"the so called perfect guy"

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"the so called perfect guy"
Topic Started: Sun Jan 20, 2008 12:32 am (436 Views)
.insane	Sun Jan 20, 2008 12:32 am Post #1
Simple, free your mind and the ass will follow. Posts: 1,394 Group: Admin Member #534 Joined: May 7, 2007 Browser Firefox Systems Owned Atari, SNES, SEGA, N64, PS2, PS3 Favorite Game Socom Series Favorite System N64 Favorite Smiley http://209.85.48.14/1500/74/0/e5001462/e5001462.gif	Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas. I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:" 1. Know how to make you smile when you are down! When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch. 2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice. What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway? 3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence. Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations. 4. Give you the remote control during the game. This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote. 5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you. LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes. 6. Play with your hair. Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard? 7. His hands always find yours. This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned. 8. Be cute when he really wants something. Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober. 9. Offer you plenty of massages. For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth. 10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork. Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples. 11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts. See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse. 12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1. Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding. 13. Stare at you. You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel. 14. Call for no reason. oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends." I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven. 26 things



xXLadyXx	Wed Jan 23, 2008 11:59 am Post #2
Dont let someone become a priority in your life when your still an option in theirs... Posts: 866 Group: Vixens Member #122 Joined: October 4, 2005 Systems Owned ps3 and a 360 (belive it or not) Clan(s) currently clanless......... Favorite Game I dunno its a tie between MOH and BF2 Favorite System PStriple	OMG.........OMG.........that is funny shit........hahahahaha.........thats nice really nice :) i cant stop laughing !!!!!!!!!!!!!



..this-a55hole..	Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:38 am Post #3
THE GREAT GENERAL ASSHOLE!!! Posts: 63 Group: Members Member #198 Joined: December 18, 2006	i have to agree with this guy...that shit was funny!!!! im gonna read the rest of that cause i wanna see what other things women expect from men...this way i know how to get outta shit before it begins...if i know what their lookin for i know how to find a loop hole...dude if you got more things like this post em cause i wanna read em!!!!



papabrow	Thu Jan 24, 2008 3:48 pm Post #4
The most badass mother fucker you will ever meet. Posts: 346 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: February 8, 2005	haha, good shit man



CUBS	Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:48 pm Post #5
These balls are as smooth as eggs! Posts: 215 Group: Elite Member Member #36 Joined: February 17, 2005	insane is my perfect guy!



Deleted User	Sat Jan 26, 2008 6:37 pm Post #6
Deleted User	Points finger at General Dan Him!
Deleted User


Ap0cALyPs3	Sun Jan 27, 2008 5:29 pm Post #7
Posts: 27 Group: Members Member #639 Joined: July 7, 2007	[SIZE=7]LMFAO



thunder	Tue Jan 29, 2008 12:02 am Post #8
Posts: 108 Group: Members Member #16 Joined: February 12, 2005	i wouldn't say any of that stuff is super outrageous. I mean some of it is borderline retarded but for the most part it's not completely unreasonable. I do about half that stuff for my girlfriend anyways. Regardless, girls shouldn't make a list of the 'perfect guy' because as insane so 'eloquently' stated guys just don't care enough in this day and age, so a girl should be lucky if the guy decides to do one or two of those things under his own will.



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